Raising Able (…not Cain)

Raising Able (…not Cain)

empowered-kid-520x346You are not raising kids. You are raising adults. You’re raising a friend and spouse, business partner or employee, your grandchild’s parents and neighbors. There’s a thought. No pressure.

What kind of adult are you raising? Keeping the end in mind could help us redirect our parenting mindset. We can choose to interact with our kids so they become successful, able adults.

Imagine a husband, or a coworker…who is unable:

To fix a problem
Avoid risk
Crumbles under stress
Makes excuses or blames
Is incompetent
Is not responsible, detailed or willing to work through challenge
Overly dramatic and passive aggressive
Sees criticism, suggestions, or denial as personal attacks.
Unable to resolve conflict…
Quits
Cannot adapt or overcome obstacles

Actually, the best way to ensure your kids struggle and fail as an adult, is to keep them from experiencing any of those things as they’re growing up. In our zeal to be good parents, we work hard to shield and rescue our children from anything that is challenging, disappointing, uncomfortable or unhappy.  We protect them from anything that is painful or hurts.

In doing so, we disable them. They are not enabled to succeed.

If you want your children to be successful, then enable them to gain strength in the required traits from the beginning.

Let them know what they are able to do. Let them enjoy doing what’s appropriate and theirs to own. Let them become responsible and make choices, developing their own preferences. Let them resolve issues that belong to them; situations either they find themselves involved or consequences of choices they have made. Weigh in and provide insight, but let them make choices on things that aren’t permanent or life altering. Let them define a strong individual identity.  Let them do what they are able to do.

Let them know they are able to take risks. Encourage them to experiment and stretch a little further than is comfortable and safe. Let them experience “safe fails” under your roof where they can find guidance in thinking through the results and managing the consequences in a way that propels them to learn how to make a better decision and move forward positively. Let them laugh at mistakes and feel the rush of accomplishment.  Let them understand how to adjust and move forward.

Let them know they are able to handle future situations. As you have kept a growth mindset that is a perpetual learning cycle, your child will become capable of managing themselves and just about any situation they may face as an adult. They become confident…

Problem solvers
Risk takers
Strong
Responsible
Competent
Self-defined
Self-determined
Successful…adults. They become achievers, influencers, innovators, game-changers, leaders and shapers of the next generation.

Tough parents raise strong kids.

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What Parents Can Gain from the Donald Sterling, NBA Controvery

Donald Sterling is the current owner of the Los Angeles Clippers and he’s now embroiled in a complicated fight that, believe it or not, has much to offer parents. Sterling’s now ex-paramour secretly recorded, a private, at-home conversation as he expressed personal opinions and his limitations on her associations.  After she provided a celebrity gossip tabloid outlet with the recordings, Sterling has been deemed a racist due to statements he made in the recording, and Adam Silver, Commissioner of the NBA has banned him for life from participating in NBA functions, fined him $2.5 million dollars, and now pressing for a forced sale of his family owned franchise.

What does this story have to offer parents?

This situation, as well as so many current events, is loaded with opportunity to engage in thought provoking conversation that will not only be lively, but help to clarify personal ethics, character, principles, values, and morals when influenced by biases, prejudices, partial and uniformed consensus and popular culture.

As we groom our children to succeed, teaching them to become rational, critical thinkers is essential. The strength of the United States was built on free-thinking and thought leaders remain the innovators of the world. Engaging in dialogue that encourages your older elementary to high school children to think for themselves, have courage to draw personal conclusions, not automatically follow group-think but gather information, consider various perspectives, evaluate deeper principles, logically discuss many points, develops critical thinking and rational thought. It protects them from easy manipulation and builds the ability to analyze the world around them while defining their personal identity. It builds strong, rational, self-determined and confident adults.

Current events involving Donald Sterling, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford and Justin Bieber, Miley Cyrus in contrast to others like Michigan State University basketball star Adreian Payne and his relationship with Lacey Holsworth can introduce topics of civil liberties, character, popularity, racism, censorship, cultural responsibility, consequences, mores, role models, and media influence to name a few.

To get into a productive conversation, ask leading questions and contribute thoughts that bring in another point of view and get down to core the issues. The point is to practice objective thinking and reasoning without becoming emotional, not necessarily to end with your childagreeing with your conclusions. Start out simply talking about current events especially if heard about on the news or radio while together, then introduce more thought-provoking questions into each subsequent conversation.

“What do you know about …”

“Seems like the popular opinion is… What do you think?”

“There are principles underneath, what other perspectives are there to consider?”

“While we might not agree with/like what someone does, what should be true for all of us?”

“What’s that situation mean to you?”

Engage your kids in discourse to get them thinking.

PS.  If you make it normal to have open conversations when they’re little, they’ll be much more inclined to continue to talk with they’re teenagers…

 

“Too often we… enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought.” – JOHN F. KENNEDY

GOOD COACHES TOUGH, NOT ABUSIVE

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Kelly Greenberg resigned as Boston University women’s basketball coach after allegations that she derided her players’ characters, not just their performance on the court.
Last week, Kelly Greenberg resigned as women’s basketball coach at Boston University after an internal investigation revealed that some of her interactions with players were “incompatible with the expectations and standards of university employees,” according to the school’s official statement.

Also last week, Butler women’s basketball coach Beth Couture was relieved of her duties after several former players made allegations of verbal abuse and mistreatment.

The news about both women comes a year after Rutgers fired men’s basketball coach Mike Rice when he was caught on video berating his players, using anti-gay slurs, kicking them and throwing balls at them.

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AP Photo/Nam Y. Huh
Beth Couture, fired as Butler coach, was accused by players of making emotionally abusive comments.
Each of these incidents has sparked a conversation about the relationship between coaches and athletes, about what kind of behavior is acceptable for coaches, what crosses the line and how much of the blame might rest on the shoulders of the athletes.

Playing college basketball, or any college sport, is an unpredictable, life-changing adventure. Incoming freshmen are just 17, 18, 19 years old — kids, really. Their minds and bodies are still developing. And yet there they are, going through the fire, trying to hold it all together through punishing workouts and tests of emotional strength, all while juggling schoolwork. (Yes, the vast majority of student-athletes really do study.)

Throughout this process, there is one person above all others who is ultimately responsible for guiding them: their head coach.

We often describe coaches as hard-nosed, strong-willed, disciplined, controlling, precise. Perhaps this language is why so many people seem to believe that coaches walk a fine line between tough love and emotional bullying, sometimes blurring the distinction on a daily basis.

It’s a dangerous assumption to make.

The difference between a demanding coach and an abusive coach is not a thin line that someone can drift over if he or she loses focus for a second before peeling back to the other side. It’s a wide gap — a mile wide — and it takes a long time for a coach to get from one side to the other and back again.

Some people believe there should be zero tolerance for a coach whose style drives numerous athletes to quit the team or the sport. Others believe the problem is with the athletes themselves, that today’s players are too coddled, too soft. This latter argument seems rooted in the belief that one of the main objectives of a coach is to separate the “weak” from the “strong” — to determine who is truly ready for the demands of big-time college sports. According to this survival-of-the-fittest mentality, if an athlete can’t stand the heat, regardless of the temperature, then he or she doesn’t deserve a spot on the team.

But arguing that it’s a thin line between right and wrong does a disservice to good coaches everywhere. Good coaches know how to be demanding yet supportive, disciplined yet understanding. They appreciate the balance between challenging a player physically and bolstering her emotionally, the push-pull of breaking bad habits and building better ones.

Good coaches are like magicians, turning self-doubt into confidence. They don’t try to separate and chase away those perceived as weak — because dividing the weak from the strong is herding, not coaching.

Good coaches shoot arrows around the feet of their players, keeping them on edge while teaching them how to dance.

No good coach would ever shoot an arrow at a player’s heart.

Sit in a room filled with former college basketball players, and they’ll rattle off stories about all those times when their head coaches turned red with anger. They’ll tell of basketballs whipped into the stands to prove a point, of profanity-laced tirades about stupid passes into traffic, of endless sprints and drills that bordered on torture.

There are thousands of players who have had their IQs questioned by an exasperated coach in the heat of the moment.

That was the dumbest play I’ve ever seen!

You’re killing us right now with your decision-making!

Get your heads out of your asses!

What all these “tough love” stories have in common is that the criticism, the disapproval, was specifically about basketball and their performance as players — not a laundry list of their perceived flaws as people.

The players who accused Greenberg of emotional abuse said she would often call them into her office, behind closed doors, and attack their personalities, questioning their overall character. Several of them claimed she would tell them, “You’re worthless.”

Some people might see little difference between “You’re playing like an idiot” and “You’re worthless.” But one is an arrow landing near the feet, while the other is an arrow straight to the heart.

It’s not just semantics.

All coaches set hurdles. The best coaches empower everyone to clear them.

Reprinted with permission: ESPN

Written by Kate Fagan
Joined espnW in Jan. 2012
Spent three seasons covering the 76ers for the Philadelphia Inquirer
Played women’s basketball at University of Colorado from 1999-2004

Why Me? 4 Ways to Help Your Child’s Comeback After Injury

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(Thanks to Tom Hurley for this great post!)

Why Me?

I’ve had a couple of really frank discussions lately about how a simple change in perspective can dictate nearly every choice that one is faced with making. This holds true in both sport and life. And as I pondered and discussed this with some of my friends I kept circling back around to the one critical point that sets us apart (as far as we know) from all other animals on earth; our innate ability to ask “why”.

Using that as my jumping-off point I realized quite quickly that the phrase “why me” is usually fraught with a serious amount of negativity. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have heard that phrase when dealing with both young and older athletes, especially following a potentially season and or sport changing injury. The “why me” part of the question however, is far less important than the feelings silently inserted between the words “why” and “me”; and it is there, in that simple space, where the champion is made.

You see, the missing link in the phrase “why me” usually sounds something quite similar to this: “why did this happen to me?” and the very instant that those words are uttered, the athlete has created a paradigm where: 1) they are the victim, 2) they have given control away, 3) they have opened a window for the demons of doubt to enter. All three of which are situations that, though incredibly real, can be assuaged with some really simple redirection and mental skills practice.

Of course it is quite natural to have an initial negative reaction to an injury or some other circumstance that threatens your continued involvement in a particular sport or activity; especially for younger athletes who have committed a huge portion of their free-time toward becoming as skilled as possible.

Fear is a primary emotion. That said, when a young athlete focuses on the fear of re-injury it is nearly impossible for them to focus on the prospect of returning to pre-injury play. The fear of re-injury not only inhibits intensity of play, but places the athlete at a higher risk of more injury due to compensatory movement patterns as they avoid using the injured or affected body part. This is the factor most commonly associated with an athlete’s return to full participation, and can be the most frustrating for the athlete to try to overcome.

There are four vital elements that should be considered when dealing with the psychological aspects of all of these injury scenarios.
1) First and foremost it is vital to validate the athlete’s fear as a rational, normal and completely expected outcome of having been injured.
2) Set specific, progressive, reasonable goals for the athlete’s full return to play.
3) Utilize imagery and relaxation techniques.
4) Incorporate positive self-talk.

All of these elements are equally important, however the one that may have to most long-lasting effects, and help a young athlete learn about the importance of resiliency and become more of a process centered athlete is #4. The incorporation of positive self-talk is where we get to redress the initial “why did this happen to me” and change that one critical word from “to” to “for”.

“Why did this happen for me” directly changes the 3 negative components that we mentioned earlier.
1) They are no longer the victim, rather they have been given a challenge, 2) they have accepted that they are in control of how they receive this challenge; 3) they have eliminated a stronghold for the demons of doubt and have given themselves a point of focus. As well, they have given the phrase “why me” an entirely new and positive perspective; one that they may carry with them far outside the world of sport.

I love when a young athlete grasps this concept, in both sport…and life.

 

Space for Our Spirit

ImageWhen we pursue our best; strive for success, maximize our potential, we almost always obsess on challenging our minds and training our bodies.  We invest in the education and training for our children’s mind and body.   But when it comes to our soul, the spirit of our children, we relegate experiences to religious activity that fit in on special occasion.  It’s not a topic of discussion.  We marginalize spirituality for a million reasons.

But why?

There’s no denying that we are mind, body AND spirit. In fact, the essence of who we are… is spiritual. How can we push the core of who we are to the fringe of what we care about?

What if we peel off religious constructs, recognize the soul within us and our children and discover and connect with the Spirit that is throughout the universe? What if we bring our mind, body and soul into balance intersecting physical health, mental development and spiritual well-being?

Stilling your soul in the presence of the majestic, quieting the mind amidst beauty, savoring the detail of the extraordinary, being swept away surrounded in powerful music, consuming the delectable, becoming absorbed in the sweet spot where your strengths and passion meet or dissolving in the presence of another’s loving touch, nurture your mind, body and soul in transcendence that connects your soul to something beyond yourself; moments of Sabbath. When you hesitate long enough to push everything else aside becoming lost in these moments, you strengthen and define the identity of your core while mystically connecting your soul to it’s place and purpose in the universe.  Genuinely desiring a connection of what’s within, to what’s much greater without nurtures the spirit.

These are moments of transcendence that are invaluable for your brain, body, and spirit. These moments are essential to the well-being of everyone in your family. So, pursuing our best means taking daily and weekly Sabbaths, from minutes during a day, to setting aside space each week that’s good for our soul; removing the clatter surrounding the family, calming the noise in the center of us and reaching for the extraordinary that’s beyond ourselves.  Leading your children in nurturing their spirit, connecting with what’s beyond themselves in simple, quiet, yet extraordinary moments, cares for your whole child.

Parents:  Nurture the spirit as much as the mind and body.

 

Anything You Can Do, Can I Do Better?

We’ve all seen “those parents”.  The ones dragging their kids to practice, screaming at their kids from the sidelines, berating them on the way to the car after a poor performance, then complaining to all who will listen that if the coach would do his job and pay more attention to their child, they’d be as good as…..

The behavior stems from a fundamental belief that all children are created equal, born with the same raw materials and with a blank page of interests, and that with just a decision and work, any child can become a superstar.

If we just push more, scream louder….blame…reward with affection and withdraw in disgust when they fail…punish harsher…Image

Are you, “that parent”?  

Do you believe that all children are born as equals? If given the same field, would it be level for each child to achieve the same success if they invest the same effort? Apparently, according to a CBS Sunday Morning survey, 23 percent of us believe we have genetic differences that will determine if one will be more successful at becoming an elite athlete, a complex thinker, a gifted musician… Sixty-one percent believe the sole determinant of achieving greatness is practice and only 14 percent believe the outcome is a combination of our natural strengths and the effort we invest in developing them.  

Raising our children under the belief that they can do whatever they put their mind to is right and also terribly wrong. It’s true that we can do whatever it is we put our mind to doing.  

I can sing. I can decide that I want to record a song and get it on the radio.  I could get in line with others that audition for American Idol.  Every one of them believes they can sing to superstardom too.   I can practice day in and day out. BUT, there’s no amount of practice I could ever do that’ll give me the X factor that will catapult me to rock star status just like the many we’ve laughed heartily at during the season openers of America’s Got Talent.   The same is true with ballet. I’m a 5’11”, large-boned German woman. Guess what? I can put on a tu-tu and dance. I can.  I took ballet in college thinking it would help me become graceful.  To think that if I just practice hard enough, I can become Prima Ballerina for New York City Ballet… Sorry.  Maybe a comedian…

Malcom Gladwell, in his book, Outliers, says that achievement is talent plus preparation, lots of preparation, 10,000 hours on average to master something, to be exact.  He noted that the closer psychologists look at the careers of the gifted, the smaller the role innate talent seems to play and the bigger the role preparation does.  In, The Sports Gene, David Epstein, has found that talented people, practiced more.  What separated the best of the best was how long and intently they worked to master their interest.  BUT, He found that the elite have natural abilities and aptitudes helped them use that time more effectively and efficiently.  Their degree of mastery, given the same amount of time, was far greater than someone of lessor natural talent.  

So, there is something to be said for finding aptitudes, natural strengths, innate physical attributes and developing them.  It’s a better return on investment of effort.   And clearly, it takes intense, long-term development to maximize the potential.  Applying those natural abilities to a passionate quest is where the greatest success will be discovered.  

Imagine if 61 percent of us believed that our children have been created with a unique, personal blend of strengths and talents and added 23 percent that embrace, “practice means perfect”, with the 14 percent that already know that finding the combination of both, what could the next generation achieve?

Parents:  Discover your child’s individual natural aptitudes, strengths, and abilities and fuel the development of them in what they love to do.

 

The Sweet Spot of Success

 “Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma-which is living with results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

Steve Jobs, left more than just an iphone or ipad that revolutionized our lives. He left us words that can reinvent success for our children.

Don’t live someone else’s life. Redefine success as maximizing individual potential. Guide your child to discover their personal sweet spot; the intersection of their passion and natural talents and strengths.

Don’t follow the thinking of others. Reverse popular thought in your home. Don’t become unintentionally swept up by the direction of the masses. Don’t pursue the popular goals of achieving fame and fortune at the expense of all else.

• Listen to your own inner voice. Encourage your child to pursue a life of purpose and process that’s unique and individual. When your child discovers how they can bring value to others, they will be effective and satisfied each day of their life.

“Your work is going to fill a large part of your life and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. The ony way to do great work is to love what you do.”

Live the life you love.

http://www.ted.com/talks/steve_jobs_how_to_live_before_you_die