Raising Able (…not Cain)

Raising Able (…not Cain)

empowered-kid-520x346You are not raising kids. You are raising adults. You’re raising a friend and spouse, business partner or employee, your grandchild’s parents and neighbors. There’s a thought. No pressure.

What kind of adult are you raising? Keeping the end in mind could help us redirect our parenting mindset. We can choose to interact with our kids so they become successful, able adults.

Imagine a husband, or a coworker…who is unable:

To fix a problem
Avoid risk
Crumbles under stress
Makes excuses or blames
Is incompetent
Is not responsible, detailed or willing to work through challenge
Overly dramatic and passive aggressive
Sees criticism, suggestions, or denial as personal attacks.
Unable to resolve conflict…
Quits
Cannot adapt or overcome obstacles

Actually, the best way to ensure your kids struggle and fail as an adult, is to keep them from experiencing any of those things as they’re growing up. In our zeal to be good parents, we work hard to shield and rescue our children from anything that is challenging, disappointing, uncomfortable or unhappy.  We protect them from anything that is painful or hurts.

In doing so, we disable them. They are not enabled to succeed.

If you want your children to be successful, then enable them to gain strength in the required traits from the beginning.

Let them know what they are able to do. Let them enjoy doing what’s appropriate and theirs to own. Let them become responsible and make choices, developing their own preferences. Let them resolve issues that belong to them; situations either they find themselves involved or consequences of choices they have made. Weigh in and provide insight, but let them make choices on things that aren’t permanent or life altering. Let them define a strong individual identity.  Let them do what they are able to do.

Let them know they are able to take risks. Encourage them to experiment and stretch a little further than is comfortable and safe. Let them experience “safe fails” under your roof where they can find guidance in thinking through the results and managing the consequences in a way that propels them to learn how to make a better decision and move forward positively. Let them laugh at mistakes and feel the rush of accomplishment.  Let them understand how to adjust and move forward.

Let them know they are able to handle future situations. As you have kept a growth mindset that is a perpetual learning cycle, your child will become capable of managing themselves and just about any situation they may face as an adult. They become confident…

Problem solvers
Risk takers
Strong
Responsible
Competent
Self-defined
Self-determined
Successful…adults. They become achievers, influencers, innovators, game-changers, leaders and shapers of the next generation.

Tough parents raise strong kids.

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Why Me? 4 Ways to Help Your Child’s Comeback After Injury

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(Thanks to Tom Hurley for this great post!)

Why Me?

I’ve had a couple of really frank discussions lately about how a simple change in perspective can dictate nearly every choice that one is faced with making. This holds true in both sport and life. And as I pondered and discussed this with some of my friends I kept circling back around to the one critical point that sets us apart (as far as we know) from all other animals on earth; our innate ability to ask “why”.

Using that as my jumping-off point I realized quite quickly that the phrase “why me” is usually fraught with a serious amount of negativity. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have heard that phrase when dealing with both young and older athletes, especially following a potentially season and or sport changing injury. The “why me” part of the question however, is far less important than the feelings silently inserted between the words “why” and “me”; and it is there, in that simple space, where the champion is made.

You see, the missing link in the phrase “why me” usually sounds something quite similar to this: “why did this happen to me?” and the very instant that those words are uttered, the athlete has created a paradigm where: 1) they are the victim, 2) they have given control away, 3) they have opened a window for the demons of doubt to enter. All three of which are situations that, though incredibly real, can be assuaged with some really simple redirection and mental skills practice.

Of course it is quite natural to have an initial negative reaction to an injury or some other circumstance that threatens your continued involvement in a particular sport or activity; especially for younger athletes who have committed a huge portion of their free-time toward becoming as skilled as possible.

Fear is a primary emotion. That said, when a young athlete focuses on the fear of re-injury it is nearly impossible for them to focus on the prospect of returning to pre-injury play. The fear of re-injury not only inhibits intensity of play, but places the athlete at a higher risk of more injury due to compensatory movement patterns as they avoid using the injured or affected body part. This is the factor most commonly associated with an athlete’s return to full participation, and can be the most frustrating for the athlete to try to overcome.

There are four vital elements that should be considered when dealing with the psychological aspects of all of these injury scenarios.
1) First and foremost it is vital to validate the athlete’s fear as a rational, normal and completely expected outcome of having been injured.
2) Set specific, progressive, reasonable goals for the athlete’s full return to play.
3) Utilize imagery and relaxation techniques.
4) Incorporate positive self-talk.

All of these elements are equally important, however the one that may have to most long-lasting effects, and help a young athlete learn about the importance of resiliency and become more of a process centered athlete is #4. The incorporation of positive self-talk is where we get to redress the initial “why did this happen to me” and change that one critical word from “to” to “for”.

“Why did this happen for me” directly changes the 3 negative components that we mentioned earlier.
1) They are no longer the victim, rather they have been given a challenge, 2) they have accepted that they are in control of how they receive this challenge; 3) they have eliminated a stronghold for the demons of doubt and have given themselves a point of focus. As well, they have given the phrase “why me” an entirely new and positive perspective; one that they may carry with them far outside the world of sport.

I love when a young athlete grasps this concept, in both sport…and life.

 

Space for Our Spirit

ImageWhen we pursue our best; strive for success, maximize our potential, we almost always obsess on challenging our minds and training our bodies.  We invest in the education and training for our children’s mind and body.   But when it comes to our soul, the spirit of our children, we relegate experiences to religious activity that fit in on special occasion.  It’s not a topic of discussion.  We marginalize spirituality for a million reasons.

But why?

There’s no denying that we are mind, body AND spirit. In fact, the essence of who we are… is spiritual. How can we push the core of who we are to the fringe of what we care about?

What if we peel off religious constructs, recognize the soul within us and our children and discover and connect with the Spirit that is throughout the universe? What if we bring our mind, body and soul into balance intersecting physical health, mental development and spiritual well-being?

Stilling your soul in the presence of the majestic, quieting the mind amidst beauty, savoring the detail of the extraordinary, being swept away surrounded in powerful music, consuming the delectable, becoming absorbed in the sweet spot where your strengths and passion meet or dissolving in the presence of another’s loving touch, nurture your mind, body and soul in transcendence that connects your soul to something beyond yourself; moments of Sabbath. When you hesitate long enough to push everything else aside becoming lost in these moments, you strengthen and define the identity of your core while mystically connecting your soul to it’s place and purpose in the universe.  Genuinely desiring a connection of what’s within, to what’s much greater without nurtures the spirit.

These are moments of transcendence that are invaluable for your brain, body, and spirit. These moments are essential to the well-being of everyone in your family. So, pursuing our best means taking daily and weekly Sabbaths, from minutes during a day, to setting aside space each week that’s good for our soul; removing the clatter surrounding the family, calming the noise in the center of us and reaching for the extraordinary that’s beyond ourselves.  Leading your children in nurturing their spirit, connecting with what’s beyond themselves in simple, quiet, yet extraordinary moments, cares for your whole child.

Parents:  Nurture the spirit as much as the mind and body.

 

Anything You Can Do, Can I Do Better?

We’ve all seen “those parents”.  The ones dragging their kids to practice, screaming at their kids from the sidelines, berating them on the way to the car after a poor performance, then complaining to all who will listen that if the coach would do his job and pay more attention to their child, they’d be as good as…..

The behavior stems from a fundamental belief that all children are created equal, born with the same raw materials and with a blank page of interests, and that with just a decision and work, any child can become a superstar.

If we just push more, scream louder….blame…reward with affection and withdraw in disgust when they fail…punish harsher…Image

Are you, “that parent”?  

Do you believe that all children are born as equals? If given the same field, would it be level for each child to achieve the same success if they invest the same effort? Apparently, according to a CBS Sunday Morning survey, 23 percent of us believe we have genetic differences that will determine if one will be more successful at becoming an elite athlete, a complex thinker, a gifted musician… Sixty-one percent believe the sole determinant of achieving greatness is practice and only 14 percent believe the outcome is a combination of our natural strengths and the effort we invest in developing them.  

Raising our children under the belief that they can do whatever they put their mind to is right and also terribly wrong. It’s true that we can do whatever it is we put our mind to doing.  

I can sing. I can decide that I want to record a song and get it on the radio.  I could get in line with others that audition for American Idol.  Every one of them believes they can sing to superstardom too.   I can practice day in and day out. BUT, there’s no amount of practice I could ever do that’ll give me the X factor that will catapult me to rock star status just like the many we’ve laughed heartily at during the season openers of America’s Got Talent.   The same is true with ballet. I’m a 5’11”, large-boned German woman. Guess what? I can put on a tu-tu and dance. I can.  I took ballet in college thinking it would help me become graceful.  To think that if I just practice hard enough, I can become Prima Ballerina for New York City Ballet… Sorry.  Maybe a comedian…

Malcom Gladwell, in his book, Outliers, says that achievement is talent plus preparation, lots of preparation, 10,000 hours on average to master something, to be exact.  He noted that the closer psychologists look at the careers of the gifted, the smaller the role innate talent seems to play and the bigger the role preparation does.  In, The Sports Gene, David Epstein, has found that talented people, practiced more.  What separated the best of the best was how long and intently they worked to master their interest.  BUT, He found that the elite have natural abilities and aptitudes helped them use that time more effectively and efficiently.  Their degree of mastery, given the same amount of time, was far greater than someone of lessor natural talent.  

So, there is something to be said for finding aptitudes, natural strengths, innate physical attributes and developing them.  It’s a better return on investment of effort.   And clearly, it takes intense, long-term development to maximize the potential.  Applying those natural abilities to a passionate quest is where the greatest success will be discovered.  

Imagine if 61 percent of us believed that our children have been created with a unique, personal blend of strengths and talents and added 23 percent that embrace, “practice means perfect”, with the 14 percent that already know that finding the combination of both, what could the next generation achieve?

Parents:  Discover your child’s individual natural aptitudes, strengths, and abilities and fuel the development of them in what they love to do.

 

The Sweet Spot of Success

 “Your time is limited, so don’t waste it living someone else’s life. Don’t be trapped by dogma-which is living with results of other people’s thinking. Don’t let the noise of other’s opinions drown out your own inner voice. Have the courage to follow your heart and intuition. They somehow already know what you truly want to become. Everything else is secondary.”

Steve Jobs, left more than just an iphone or ipad that revolutionized our lives. He left us words that can reinvent success for our children.

Don’t live someone else’s life. Redefine success as maximizing individual potential. Guide your child to discover their personal sweet spot; the intersection of their passion and natural talents and strengths.

Don’t follow the thinking of others. Reverse popular thought in your home. Don’t become unintentionally swept up by the direction of the masses. Don’t pursue the popular goals of achieving fame and fortune at the expense of all else.

• Listen to your own inner voice. Encourage your child to pursue a life of purpose and process that’s unique and individual. When your child discovers how they can bring value to others, they will be effective and satisfied each day of their life.

“Your work is going to fill a large part of your life and the only way to be truly satisfied is to do what you believe is great work. The ony way to do great work is to love what you do.”

Live the life you love.

http://www.ted.com/talks/steve_jobs_how_to_live_before_you_die

5 Tips to Finding the Right College Match for the Student-Athlete

ImageI’ve begun casual conversations with my daughter about her future.  It’s time.  She’s ending her sophomore year and the next 15 months can be overwhelming for any parent, let alone a 16 year old.  Because she’s the baby, and my middle one is graduating leaving the house in a few months, it’s terribly emotional, and I’d love to somehow pretend the whole process is not happening and put off college decisions for the third time, but it’s time!  If we don’t have light, enjoyable discussions about her college plans. that keep communication open and moving, it can get intense if left until crunch time.  There’s just too much to consider and it’s too overwhelming, even without adding high emotions due to time pressure and panic. I’ve found that an attitude of exploration, adventure and casual discussion with time to process works best.  Take the entire 15-18 months to wade through tons of information so that you’re down to 3-5 choices before they begin their senior year.  College visits occur in September and October and early signing happens in November.  The important thing is to find the best match in 5 particular areas among your college choices.

Here are 5 factors that will help sort through colleges and help you and your child find the right college match:

 

  1. ACADEMIC:  Explore career paths and interests, identify schools offering courses and major to match.  Often it’s much easier to change majors at a larger school, so if undecided, identify the biggest school that your child would feel comfortable attending to give them the widest choices.  When school choices are narrowed down, find out the GPA of the teams and graduation rate.  You can find how their job placement is too.  Clarify the balance of academics and athletics and how valued each is at the school.  Often the culture of the school reflects that balance.  It’s also smart to ask what academic support is offered for student-athletes.
  2. ATHLETIC Focus: It’s important to recognize what your child’s athletic goal in college will be; are they looking to have their sport just be a ticket to get accepted to a dream school, or do they want a college team experience, to compete at the NCAA championship level, or want to develop beyond school and compete nationally or professionally?  Ask about school/team/coach goals and ensure an intensity match.  High expectations are attached to scholarships and pressure to perform must be shared with an athlete’s personal desire to excel.  Compare roster size with those who travel and compete.  Your child will need to decide if it’s important to go to the biggest school, to say that they are going to the biggest school even if they never get to compete, or are a team superstar at another school.
  3. COACH: As you go through your child’s junior year, getting to speak with coaches is important.  They may not contact your child, but you can initiate a call or email to ask questions.  As soon as coaches are permitted to speak to your child, do so.  Also encourage them to engage with athletes on the team to ask questions about the coach.  Try to discover the coach’s style of coaching, find if there’s a natural, easy personality connection, what their expectations of athletes are, how long they’ve been at the school and their 5 year plans.  The school’s reputation in a sport has more to do with the coach.  Dynasty’s can be traced to specific coaches.  Look for the right coach over the athletic reputation of the school, especially if the current coach has been there less than 5 years and is building a program.  You want someone who clicks and can bring out the best in your child and who wants to help your child achieve their goals to be the best match.
  4. PROGRAM:  Ask questions about team training.  Do they build athleticism, functional development that is sport specific?  Do athletes improve there?  How many move on to national or professional play?  Are records or championships current or all set in a prior era, under another coach?  What’s the team culture?  Is it more social or are the athletes committed and focused on excelling?  Does the college support the team or are athletic programs in jeopardy of being cut?
  5. SCHOLARSHIP:  Coaches who have scholarships to offer will do so, but it doesn’t hurt to ask what it takes for an athlete to get one at the schools in which your child is interested.  It’s not hard to get a feel for the level of athletes on the current team and size up whether your child would fit in as a contributor.  Understand that accepting a scholarship, especially at the D1 level, is somewhat like being hired for a job and performance is expected.  D3 schools can’t give athletic scholarships, but have scholarship and financial aid packages they create that actually could be more generous than D1 schools have to offer.  Consider the debt load your child will carry post-graduation and make sure they don’t start life in a pit of debt right out of the gate.  

If you have any questions, ask away…  I may not have the answers, but have some interesting perspectives on how to navigate the recruiting process.  My son played baseball with most of his Bucknell University cost covered (Patriot League schools have unique scholarship rules) and daughter will attend Cal-Berkeley on a full scholarship in the fall.  My youngest just began receiving her first pieces of mail and emails and so begins her recruiting season.

Fear This: Sandy Hook Shooter Warns All Parents

Image“She wanted to give him a good day, but didn’t think enough about giving him a good life.” “She wanted to make everyone think everything was okay.”

Her son walked into the place she worked, and shot her four times; once for her, once for his dad, once for his brother, and once for himself.

Emily Miller, editor of the Washington Times, said that while everyone will comment on gun control and mental health issues, but “We can point to a mother who should have more aware”.

“I think constantly about what I could have done differently and wish I would have pushed harder” to be involved in my son’s life. “You have to know your child”.

Peter and Nancy Lanza were successful professionals; a vice-president at a large company and elementary school teacher. They had a nice home in a nice place and had, by all appearances a nice life. It seems that appearances were important. But it was hollow. Images are not real. Peter and Nancy divorced, and for two years, Peter became disconnected from his ex-wife and son. Their son, Adam Lanza grew up and is now infamous. His legacy: after studying and planning for years, he killed twenty-six innocent teachers and children at Sandy Hook Elementary School, his mother and himself in the worst rampages in our history. Something went terribly wrong in the space behind giving good days and the image that everything was okay.

As parents, we have to shift from building images to building our children within a real family. Children need parents. They can’t be brought into existence and then left to themselves to grow up or have it be expected that it’s someone else’s responsibility to ensure they’ll not only become whole, but realize great, positive potential. There’s more involved than pursuing our careers in the guise that we’re providing for the needs of our kids. The lavish things we give them are the least important. Children must know they’re more valuable than the things we propose to give them. They need to know they are not interruptions to your personal life or distractions from your career, or disruptions to your down-time. They need time, energy, attention, wisdom and love invested in them. Not to provide good days, but what is best for them for a good life. They need us to know them.

Hindsight is 20/20. Peter Lanza says we should “Fear this happening to you”. I can’t imagine coming to a place where you believe, “I wish he had never been born”. We can’t predict, nor guarantee the lives our children will lead, but we can absolutely heed this father’s agonizing plea for us to know our kids. If we choose to know them, invest in nurturing their core, and surrounding them with the right influences and leadership we, not only may prevent tragic ends, but actually enjoy significant connections with our children and see them go on to contribute their best to the world.

<P = Z (know their passions and strengths) x C5 (strengthen their core) x E (surround them with nurturing and leadership)

http://www.newyorker.com/reporting/2014/03/17/140317fa_fact_solomon